The Craziest Things Doctors Have Told Us

The jaw-droppers, the head-scratchers, and the show-me-the-door conversations you have to read to believe.

No all doctors are clowns. But some seem to be…

Have you ever watched the movie Doc Hollywood? If you haven’t, it’s a must. Michael J. Fox at his finest.

The plot goes like this: smart, ambitious new doctor on his way to L.A. to become a highly-paid, swanky surgeon, gets waylaid in a small rural town and learns what it means to be an old-fashioned family physician.

I bring this up because we seem to be in a drought for good doctors.

Where’d they all go?

Over the past decade, I’ve seen several new medical providers, and most have been found lacking.

I don’t know if this is a reflection on how medical schools are training them, how healthcare corporations are buying them as paid employees, how the experienced ones are retiring, or if the enormous cost (in time and dollars) of the education is turning brilliant, science-minded prospects away…but if and when I find a good doctor, I hold on with both hands.

Problem is, the good ones are always booked. For months. So, we’re often relegated to the ones who have open appointment slots. (Pro tip: They’re open for a reason.)

No shade to the wonderful, smart, caring physicians out there. I know you bring your A-game to your patients. And, at least here in the U.S., I know just how ugly the business of being a medical provider can be—with tight insurance margins, the necessity of absurdly short appointment slots, and utterly insane malpractice insurance premiums.

But we’re not talking about all that here.

Here, we’re commiserating over our lackluster, strange, or downright bad experiences with professionals who have no business wielding a stethoscope.

I asked, you answered:

When I asked what the craziest thing a doctor has ever told you, the responses were wild. I need to share them. Here goes:

“The craziest thing a doctor ever said to me was the day I landed in the OB's office and asked how I could've gotten pregnant when I was on the POP (Progesterone Only Pill), still nursing my 8 month old, and exhausted (not to mention that my husband travelled a lot for work). She (thankfully not my regular OB) said, "Oh! If I had a nickel for every woman who got pregnant while on the POP pill!"

I was so flabbergasted at what she said and her nonchalance (literal jaw drop moment) that I put the scene in one of my novels. I've had readers tell me that a doctor would never say that. I get to tell them, "Oh, yes, she would!"”

-Gretchen A.

I love how Gretchen chose to use that experience in a work of creativity. But, seriously, doc, maybe a little head’s up would’ve been nice.

“The craziest thing a doc ever said to me was from a dermatologist who looked to be about 90 years old. He said my face was red because I have rosacea and the solution was to “stay away from heat.” Sure, doc, I’ll move to Siberia and never drink tea again. As it turns out, my “rosacea” mostly went away when I bought a filter for my shower head. Philadelphia and South Jersey water is caustic.

Craziest thing a doctor ever told my mother “it’s all in your head.”

“It” in her case turned out to be her intestine starting to perforate. Wrong body part!

-Philly Girl

Yikes! A perforated intestine is no walk in the park. Perhaps the most infuriating thing ever is when women seek medical care and are accused of being histrionic. Women have a higher threshold for pain and suffering than men, and by God, doctors need to listen when they say something hurts!

And…being a resident of NJ, I can agree, the water is rough on the skin!

“My doc called me late for a telephone consultation because she’d had an emergency to deal with. I explained I was now in the middle of a sports massage but could take the call on speaker if that was ok with her. It was. And then she asked me, in no way related to what I thought we were discussing, at the top of her voice “tell me, is your vagina very dry?”

Queue deathly silence in the physio room, and outside the paper thin walls, while I answered, “Actually, yes it is”.

“Ah,” she said. “Perhaps you’d better come in to see me after all.”

It certainly made for an interesting exit, while everybody in the waiting room tried not to catch my eye 🥴😂

-Helen R.

Wow. I have to say, I write another publication called What Are the Chances? and this exchange fits that profile so well. Something like this would definitely happen to me!

I can't pick just one!

1. When I was getting migraines every 28 days - "It's clearly nothing to do with your cycle" 🤔 ummm (never saw that doctor again for "female issues". We're clearly too advanced for him.

2. Not said to me but said to medical students by my bed: "It is a case of anaphylaxis allegedly due to penicillin. We’ll give her penicillin today to check."

😱 Er, no you won't bud.

How about you just trust me when I say I had water and penicillin and then tried to die, eh??? 🙄

-Donna H.

I miss the days of doctors being symptom sleuths able to connect dots. And, anaphylaxis is not something to be trifled with for goodness sakes!

The craziest thing my doctor ever said is when I complained about my one foot always being cold, “Well, you know, you’re not getting any younger.”

Is that your medical assessment, sir?

I went to a different (real) doctor who determined I had stenosis.

-Laura B.

Oh, this makes me mad. Why do some doctors assume aging is always the problem? If you’re taking good care of yourself, shouldn’t your doctor be a partner in helping you have the best quality of life for as long as possible?

The craziest thing wasn’t said by a doctor, but by her nurse when I went in for a prenatal visit after Thanksgiving. I had been gaining a lot of weight for no obvious reason, and no one would believe me. At my weigh-in, she said, “Did you eat the whole turkey?”

Turned out to be gestational diabetes. But thanks!

-Turkey Hater

Oh no she didn’t! Fists would be flying. No, really, she works with pregnant people? Not big on the empathy, I see.

The craziest thing a doctor said was to my dad who had bladder paralysis. He kept getting urinary tract infections from self-catheterization. When he asked if there was another option, the doctor looked squarely at him and said, “Man up and do it right.”

Needless to say, we found another doctor who performed surgery and did, indeed, give him a better option and quality of life. I’m still mad.

-Pissed Off, Pun Intended

On the bright side, the jerkiness isn’t saved only for the ladies. Come on, docs, you can do better!

Keep ‘em coming

That’s a great start, but I’m sure we can do even better. I’m going to keep collecting these stories and sharing them with you. If you have a crazy, weird, or out-of-left field experience with a medical professional, I want to hear about it.

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